Oh How Silly Of Me..

How young, optimistic, energetic, carefree and..whats the word Im looking for..oh ya, stupid I was when I used to say I would like to have my kids be very close in age and no more than 2 years apart. HA!

This is G (the daughter of one of my bff's so, by default, my daughters bff!) She is adorable, absolutely hysterical and sweet as can be..I mean really, she even shared her lunch with her teddy bear.

The age difference between G and H is just shy of what it would be like had I had another child right away. I love G dearly but watching the girls just further solidified my desire to in no way have another child any time soon. Not only is it exhausting but its just feels impossible sometimes to do everything I want/need to do with only two arms/hands! On a related topic, octopus moms must be super efficient and THANK GOODNESS for Sesame Street!

We live in a small 1 bedroom condo that we have had to work magic on in order for the 3 of us to fit comfortably (thank you Ikea!) but even if we lived in a home with plenty of space I still would not be interested in having a child in the near future. I don't know if these are the types of things you aren't supposed to say aloud but fuck it, I do because its true. 

The second my daughter was born I knew right away that it was just going to be the 3 of us for a while. Its hard to explain but I guess I feel like everything about having another child, right now, would just take away time, focus & moments with H (especially if my first trimester reared its ugly feel-like-shit head again.) Don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant (after the first tri) and look forward to it again some day but not soon.

I think it works for some people (having 2 under 2 etc) but I feel like both children would suffer, in my case. I know I would not be able to give both the attention I would like them to have or the attention they deserve. I also think the educational teachings/playing I would need to do with H would suffer because I would be overwhelmed with all that comes with being a mom of a newborn. I give A LOT of credit to those who do it seemingly effortlessly! 

Two weeks ago I watched my cousins 5 week old for a half hour, at most, while she showered. Between her needing all the rocking, comforting & food that a newborn needs combined with H's desire to cover every inch of the house and climb every step it became slightly stressful. This was a bit surprising for me since I, if I do say so myself, took very easily to motherhood and all the comes with it and that is, in part, due to the fact that I had a very good baby. Which brings me to another topic, what the hell would I do if I had a colicky baby and H?! 

Just talking about all this gives me anxiety and, obviously, makes me ramble.

I just know that what is best for our family is to spend as much time with H and our family of 3. Soak up every cuddle, every smile, every new milestone met, every baby-booty shaking dance and just focus on creating lots of memories. Then in about two years when we, hopefully, live somewhere that is larger than 600 sq feet we will be very excited to welcome a new little monkey into our crazy clan!

Letters to My Former Self

Dear newborn Cali,
Welcome to the world! Get ready for one hell of a ride.

Dear 6 month old Cali,
Your parents are going to separate. You will never know your family as a "normal" family of 4 or have any memories of your parents as a married couple but its ok. They remain great friends and keep life as normal as possible.

Dear 7 year old Cali,
 A few weeks before your 8th birthday your mom is going to die. She couldn't fight anymore..breast cancer is a fucking asshole (sorry for the language but you're almost 8...you can handle it!) You will all too vividly remember the day she died as well as her funeral and this sucks. I am sorry. You're life is going to be very different than the lives of your friends and I am sorry to tell you it will never get easier. Luckily, the man you marry has the most amazing mother so if you just wait you will gain a mother later in life.

Dear 7-8 year old Cali,
Your uncle has died. He passed less than 2 weeks after your mom and this will forever change your grandmother. She lost 2 kids in 1 month and it was too much. It will be a long, sad battle for her and there isn't much you can do other than visit, visit, visit! Spend as much time with her as possible because if you dont you will regret it forever..not to mention she's hilarious so have fun!

Dear pre-teen Cali,
You experience(d) a lot before you even become a teen. Any day now your dad is going to tell you that he is gay. Initially you won't know what it means because right now this is not very common. You'll be wary of telling too many people but don't worry, in a few years its much more accepted and you'll be able to relax--but I hate to tell you, the worrying about gay-bashing and harassment of your family doesn't ever subside. Just know that being raised by 2 gay men shapes you into an awesome person!
In these years you will also go through some stuff that changes you forever. Talk about it..it helps. If you don't it'll weigh on you forever.

Dear 13 year old Cali,
You have finished Hebrew school and have decided not to continue in religion. You will tell your family that you don't believe in it and aren't sure if there is a god. You don't know it now but this is referred to as being Agnostic (yes, there is a name for it...you aren't alone.) Thankfully, your family is supportive and understanding but others may try to convince you that religion is the way to go--stick to your heart. Not being involved works better for you..but stay open minded and still go to church with your friends. Its a good learning experience.

Dear 15 year old Cali,
You have fallen in love. You behave like an ass and do stupid shit but its all life lessons so don't be too hard on yourself. Soon you will learn that guys will treat you like shit if you let them so DON'T LET THEM! Its easier said than done, I know, but if you don't let them it will help you for the rest of your life. Right now you think you have no reason to be confident or have good self-esteem but you do, so own it!
Oh, and you'll be meeting a girl named Loryn soon. Try to remember as much as you can about your budding friendship because you will be best friends forever!

Dear 16 year old Cali,
You know that guy your dating? I should probably warn you...shit hits the fan. Yes, it's all a learning experience but try to get out of the relationship as early as possible. If you wait too long it gets bad-he gets crazy and you'll forever be looking over your shoulder.

Dear 18 year old Cali,
This summer is going to be the best of your life! You are off to college soon but you will almost fail out because you.....partake in too many things that are not FDA approved. Luckily, you meet & fall in love with a guy who kicks your ass into gear. Take a lot of pictures, write down lots of memories (yes-use that journal you always said you would write in but never do) and try to soak it all in because..are you ready for this? You guys are going to get married!

This will be your favorite picture of you two for a long time!

Dear 21 year old Cali,
-Insert a HUGE life lesson here-

Dear 23-24 year old Cali,
You recently had to drop out of college because of back surgery (don't worry, the residual pain won't be this bad forever!) You are probably trying to figure out your place in the world and feel like you may not fit anywhere but just wait a little longer and it will come to you.
Congratulations are in order-You're engaged!! ...and the ring is fabulous! ;-)

Dear 24 year old Cali,
SURPRISE!! You're pregnant! You should (and will) move the wedding up. It will be a beautiful white wedding (yes, there will be a blizzard but you'll be such a calm bride you won't let it get to you!) I know its hard because you feel like crap but focus on the details and look harder for a dress! The right one is out there and you will regret it if you don't at least try.
OH! and get a better DJ!! If you can't afford it, use an ipod...anything will be better than that asshat of a DJ you pick.

Dear 25 year old Cali,
Bet you didn't know you were such a toughie, huh? You kicked labors ass!!

Dear present day Cali,
You had no idea love like this exsisted. Your baby gets more perfect each day. Your husband is a pain in your ass but he is hysterical and you guys are each-others lobsters. This has been the best year of your life but just a few suggestions. Stop complaining about how you look and go to the dr and work out! Make dinner more often..you are a wife and a mom-step it up woman! Clean your damn kitchen floor..you've had a note on the counter reminding you to clean it for over 2 weeks and its still dirty! Most importantly, try not to put yourself last so often..you work hard too.

Things I Thought I'd Never Do...and then I became a Mom

Personally, I have always believed I was ready for motherhood. I was ready to be selfless, sleepless and hot-body-less long before I actually had my daughter. Every now and then, though, I catch myself doing something and thinking " I really never thought I'd do that":

So here are some of my cringe-worthy, cute (?) & normal(??) 

 ..I really never thought I'd... 

• Get super pissed that Sesame Street doesn't make new episodes frequently
• Wish that leaving your kid in the car while running into 7-11 for snacks wasn't dangerous, illegal and stupid
• Feel that stores without drive-thrus ruin everything (ok..that's a blatant lie, I've thought about this for as long as I've been lazy)
• Drink from a sippy cup or bottle
• Let my kid watch an hour of Sesame Street just so I could get a little extra sleep
• Eat food that has been sucked on by my child, fallen out of her mouth or been found stuck to her or her clothing
• Melt into a puddle of love every.single.time my daughter rests her head on my shoulder
• Not shower/change clothes immediately following a "vomit shower"
• Wish that forward facing car seats were safer
• Have my shirt double as a baby tissue (only when nothing appropriate is available...for the most part)
• Co-sleep (it may be the only reason I didn't experience severe sleep deprivation those first few months)
• Inspect a poopy diaper that "just looks weird"
• Try pureed meat

Just to name a few. I'm sure plenty more will come to me..probably enough to write another post. 

So stay tuned!

The day the person that would have me do things "I never thought I'd do" was brought into my life

If you have your own gross, embarrassing or weird things that you never thought you'd do before marriage or parenthood leave them as a comment--so I can feel less disgusting.

Inspiration with a Side of Awesome

As I sat in awe while reading the blog of a fantastically creative photographer, writer and mother I came across a paragraph that gave me chills.

"Once you become a parent...once you start feeling a little funny and you buy that pregnancy test...once you see a pink plus sign...once you know it's not just you anymore...well, you automatically carry around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood. To have your heart broken. And it's a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest."

 Kelle Hampton takes my breath away. Her writing is impeccable, her photography is inspiring and her story is uplifting, heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. Her honesty about finding out her daughter had Down Syndrome upon her birth is so refreshing. She doesn't play the bullshit card. She first found out her baby had DS when she was placed on her chest immediately following her birth. No one said a thing..her tests during pregnancy were normal..it was a complete shock and she admits it. She speaks extremely candidly about how heartbreaking and hard it was, how angry she was..and every other thing that most people would never admit.

Ok, enough girl-crushing and back to the chills. 

Once I found out I was pregnant a knot of fear set up permanent residence in my throat. I could never articulate why it was there in a non-cliche way..so Kelle did it for me. Its the ever present worrying about your innocent bundle of delicious tiny toes and sweet baby breath. When baby is inside your belly the worrying is present but much much less than when they are out in the world and exposed to all the elements of life. As a parent or parent-to-be you sort of expect to worry about your childs happiness, safety & health as well as worrying about making the right choices for them, you and your family. Those are generally a given but a feeling that isn't always anticipated is the feeling that your heart can be broken at any moment. I won't go into detail about all the ways your heart can be broken once you become a mommy or daddy because if you are a parent you already know, if you are going to be a parent you will feel it in your own way and if you never plan on having kids then you get the get out of jail free card. The Hampton family's hearts broke in ways that none of us could ever comprehend (and hopefully never have to) but she put the "Enjoying the Small Things" spin on their "situation" and..I'll just quote her since I could never say it as well as she does:

"we are not defined by the things that happen to us.  We are defined by how we embrace those things, and Nella's little "diagnosis" does not change the fact that life is big and beautiful and meant to be enjoyed."

They decided to embrace life and all it has to offer, big and small, and live it as hard as they could! While I always have in the back of my head and heart the ifs, ands & buts of life as a parent I have to maintain my focus: give our family the most amazing, fun, creative, beautiful adventures and life we can live and embrace every second of every minute. Easier said than done since my anxiety skyrockets when I think about all the horrible things that can happen in this world (granted, I have always done this to some extent but since having my sweet girl it skyrockets x 2000) but I can try my hardest..and I will.

I leave you with a wonderfully honest excerpt from the beautiful birth story (accompanied by beautiful pictures) of Nella Cordelia. 

"I knew the minute I saw her that she had Down Syndrome and nobody else did. I held her and cried. Cried and panned the room to meet eyes with anyone that would tell me she didn't have it. I held her and looked at her like she wasn't my baby and tried to take it in. And all I can remember of these moments is her face. I will never forget my daughter in my arms, opening her eyes over and over...she locked eyes with mine and stared...bore holes into my soul.

Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

That was the most defining moment of my life. That was the beginning of my story. I don't remember a lot here. My friends have filled me in, but I feel like I was in a black hole. I know I held her. I know I kissed her. I know I begged every power in the world that this wasn't happening...that she was normal, but I knew in my soul exactly what this was"

Window Shopping Wednesday

I saw WSW on a few other blogs and decided it would be perfect for me since I have the problem of yearning for things we either don't have room for, can't afford or things that we have no use for whatsoever (for example: complete outdoor furniture sets...not too useful when living in a 1 bedroom condo).

Other than drooling over things I want but, for the aforementioned reasons, don't have I will also be sharing any recent purchases that I feel are blog-worthy. So lets go shopping!!
 

Oh super deep, comfy cozy lounge sectional (in pewter to be exact) how I love you so! While torturing myself browsing in Crate and Barrel one day I decided to sit on this delicious looking couch. I had no idea that this simple act would start an unhealthy obsession with a piece of furniture. I dream of the day when we have a house and can afford this $2000+ sofa!  
(....and maybe..sometimes, when I haphazardly find myself in a Crate & Barrel, in the area where they happen to keep the sectionals and this one happens to be on display...I may roll around on it with no concern for who is watching.)

 I first learned about Clinques 'Even Better Clinical Dark Spot Corrector' while reading a parenting magazine. I usually scan a review if it looks like something I've been thinking about using but always take them with a grain of salt because my oh-so-skeptical husband has convinced me that magazines are compensated for positive reviews and that they are bullshit. Well, what can I say, I am a sucker for "Mom Tested" stuff! So when I read comments from moms who tried and loved this product I decided I would treat myself when I had the extra ::cringe:: $50. 
I, like many other moms, developed a few dark spots on my face (thanks pregnancy!) and this, supposedly, helps lighten them--as well as even out complexion and some other magical stuff. Ive been using it for about 2 weeks now and I definitely notice my skin being SUPER soft (I actually caught myself caressing my cheek one morning). Very little evening out has happened (it claims it takes 4wks..and it is recommended that you use it with a 3-Step Skin Care System but screw that because I just paid $50 for 1oz of stuff that looks like baby making "formula"!) but I am pretty confident that by the end of the 1oz bottle I will look like Heidi Klum.


If you have any recommendations for awesome products feel free to leave them in the comments!

Ramblings From CaliLand was not compensated or prompted to write any of the above reviews.

They Have Jobs in CaliLand?

Growing up I had a bit of an obsession with waitressing. I don't know if it was the cool pads that they got to write orders on or the idea of bringing people what they so desired but I loved it. I had my own order-taking pad from Staples and would go around our family parties taking drink orders. I don't know if I actually followed through with bringing people their drinks but I'd like to think I did. One of my first jobs was as a waitress...sort of. I worked at an ice cream shop that had about 7 tables and a full menu. I mainly worked the ice cream (because clearly my boss could tell, I knew my ice cream) but every so often I would get to play waitress..and to my surprise I was not a very good waitress. Personality-wise I was everything you would want in a server but memory/order taking?..I was not the quickest. Needless to say, I would fair HORRIBLY in a seriously busy restaurant. I imagine I would cry within the first hour of a dinner rush. My favorite memory of my waitressing days was when I was asked, by a customer, to pack up her left over fries. As I was walking out of the kitchen, boxed up fries in hand, I dropped the box and fries went all over the sticky kitchen floor. I quickly packed the fries back into the box and thought "Who reheats fries anyway?! They'll get soggy & she'll just wind up throwing them away so its fine." Awesome.

I have had a plethora of unique jobs. My dad never made me work but I wanted to. At 13 I told him I wanted to work so I got a job as a counselor in training (a CIT) at the camp I attended as a kid..at least I thought it was a job. I didn't know at the time but you have to pay to be a CIT. So my dad had to pay a hefty amount  for me to work..had I known this I probably wouldn't have been so cool with being the go-to person when campers accidentally peed themselves. Eventually I grew out of my CIT status and actually got paid to work at the camp as a head counselor.
I had a tendency to jump from job to job once I felt I could do something cooler, more fun, more profitable etc or once I felt I had learned all that I could learn from that job (read: I hated the people and couldn't take it anymore).

From the ages of 13-25 these are the jobs I held, in order :
Camp Counselor (I did this several summers sporadically through the years)
Ice Cream scooper/bad waitress
Kennel assistant at an animal hospital
Children's Toy Boutique worker (creepiest boss EVER)

--Somewhere in here I worked at a gym daycare but I can't exactly remember when..I must have blocked it out-- 

Papa Johns Pizza maker (I worked here for exactly 4hrs and 20mins)
Ice Cream masher at Maggie Moos (I eventually worked my way up to making the ice cream..which eventually just became eating the ice cream as it came out of the machine)
Veterinary technician
Alpaca & Llama farm manager (<3)
Nanny of 2 (:-\)

Pastry Chef assistant
Gym morning manager (yes, morning manager which meant I had to be there before the sun rose)
Reservation Manager at The Melting Pot
Assistant to the VP at my father-in-laws company
Nanny of a cutie pie

...and then came the job I had been waiting for while I was working all these meaningless (in comparison) jobs.

Stay at home Mommy


As you would expect a SAHM to say, it is the hardest, most awesome job Ive ever had. I get to watch my daughter grow every second. I am SO lucky to not have to drop her at daycare and worry that someone isn't caring for her how I would (a huge source of anxiety for me). I get to kiss every boo boo, cuddle before each nap and hear every laugh. It may be a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, 365 days a year job but I wouldn't want to to do anything else!
   Don't get me wrong, it is not for everybody & I take my breaks when i can get them! (thanks to my amazing mother in law)
My working mom friends also have an incredibly hard job because they do have to drop their babies off and worry about them all day. They experience a mom guilt that I cannot even fathom and I give them SO much credit because they are some seriously strong mamas!!

My boss daughter has woken up from her nap and is sounding the lunchtime bell--off to work I go. :-)

Narcissism at its finest

Did you hear that?? That was the sound of me jumping on the blogging bandwagon. I've thought about blogging for a while but wasn't sure I had too much to say that was of interest and was convinced the only person that would read it was my best friend..and Im ok with that. If someone other than friends or family decides Im worthy of a bookmark then I'll be thrilled but in the meantime Ill just introduce myself to those that are reading even though they know me already.
You may, or may not, be asking yourself "What is CaliLand?" Well my lovely follower (yes, Loryn, you are my only follower as of now) CaliLand is the creation of my parents. Growing up they would joke that I lived in a place called CaliLand-which I assumed was my own little world where people wanted and liked the same things as me, thought I was hilarious and thoroughly enjoyed me and my antics. After receiving a "throne" they made for me out of a bar stool I slowly realized they thought it was my own little kingdom where things were just my way..CaliLand. I have kept CaliLand with me ever since because, lets me honest, who wouldn't want their own land? So this will be the updated version of CaliLand..back then it was in my head but now its out in the blogosphere.

More about me?? OK! I tend to overuse "..." and put commas where they don't belong. I try to spell check so I don't look like an asshole but sometimes that is unavoidable. I love food-cliche? perhaps but so undeniably true. I would dare to say it is near the top of the list of what my friends and family would say about me. Food and dessert..ya, thats all me but as much as I love these things I cook and bake way too rarely. My kitchen is very small and hardly conducive to cook or bake the way I wish I could so I do it rarely to avoid the frustration..and clean up. I can cook (read: I can follow recipes. I rarely get creative or inventive) and bake but tend to make the same things over and over because I have a fear of things not coming out well or not liking them and then I feel like I have wasted money on the ingredients. I am horrible at cleaning. There are generally 3 times I REALLY clean. 1)When people are coming over. 2) When its so bad its unavoidable. 3)When I get in a random frenzy of "need-to-clean" mode and I jump from cleaning one thing to the next so quickly that nothing actually gets a good, proper cleaning. Confession: I have the terrible tendency of cleaning my bathroom with baby wipes instead of some sort of real cleaner.
Alysha, from The Tarr Pit, seems to be awesome at knowing how to clean/keep her house (and meal plan, and cook daily--does envy come across in writing?) My MIL is also an amazing cleaner and I really do envy that skill--yes, I believe it is a skill. She has a desire to keep things clean and the ability to do so. I grew up with a housekeeper (leave your gasps, sighs, giggles and "ughs" here ________) so I feel like I never really learned how to clean and keep a home. More on that another time (so come back because I bet it'll be a thriller!)
I do, however, love organizing and throwing things away. Nothing feels as good as when you throw out/donate a bunch of your stuff that you haven't used in months or years..It sucks though when you are married to someone who HATES doing this. (again, more on that another time.)

Surprisingly, i have much more to say but I will leave you yearning for more.