Once my baby, Always my baby.

The legs that once barely reached my naval now dangle well below my hips.

I can no longer cradle her in one arm.

Her eyes that once burned through mine while she sleepily drank a 2oz bottle now rarely meet mine while she eats pizza.

The feet that once kicked my ribs and bladder now tap dance on my kitchen floor.

I no longer need to rock her to sleep in a dark bathroom with the exhaust fan running.

The hair that once only skimmed her scalp actually had to be trimmed.

....and I'm ok with it.

I'm ok with it because the arms that once cradled her small newborn body are now what she runs into when she's happy or scared.

I'm ok with it because even though we may not lock eyes while she eats, her little hand rubbing my arm while we watch TV makes me realize how small she still is.

I'm ok with it because she can now fall asleep on her own because we taught her how.

I'm ok with it because she asks to hold my hand.

I'm ok with it because every now and then she tries to pull her legs up into that squishy newborn position while I hold her.

I'm ok with it because she needs me as much as I need her.

When the babys away...

MIL has Hayden until Tuesday..and I miss her like crazypants but I also love the freedom and lack of responsibility. I often feel bad saying or thinking things like that because it makes me feel like a bad mom....but it doesnt and I think it needs to be said because it is completely normal to love and miss the freedom. AND I am so lucky that I have someone (or several someones) that I trust enough to take care of my daughter to the point of being able to completely relax-knowing she is in the best hands next to mine.

I have been able to get so much done (and nothing done all at the same time), run into stores, meander through the grocery store and actually not forget stuff, reconnect with my husband, attend a work event at night and blast music in my car. 

I love motherhood more than I ever thought I could and I love my daughter more than...well that goes without saying but temporarily gaining that pre-baby freedom and responsibility-less feeling back is so awesome and relaxing..I don't think Ive been a bitch all week.

With that said...I cannot wait to wrap my arms aroung Hayden and squeeze her til she pukes....no, not really.

The One with The Melt Down

When my friend and I are out with our 2 girls we have a tendency to push them too far..which then results in the infamous double melt-down. We usually notice the signs that they are beginning to hit a wall but choose to ignore them because we have more to get done, figure they'll last a bit longer or are just having too much fun. To make matters worse the kids usually take their naps in the car on the way to our destination which means it wasn't a good, real nap.

Today was another one of these times. It was too damn hot to be outside so we went out to eat (YAY!) & walked around the "good" mall--it has an indoor play area and carousel!

 

 ..she was not impressed..

H seems to be heading in the direction of going from 2 naps to 1 (though I'm not sure if I'm ready for this) but is still struggling with it. She isn't getting a long enough nap so by 4pm she is craaanky. I know this..I should foresee it..but I don't. I get caught up in all the fun we are having and forget that my baby is about to let the whole mall know she is pissed--and when H is pissed G gets pissed, hence the double meltdown. 

She is in dire need of a bath so once we get home I give her what is possibly the fastest bath she's ever had and while trying to dodge getting her hair rinsed she sticks her whole face underwater..twice. Now she's even more pissed. By the time I get her bedtime bottle she is crying & screaming that painful baby scream. I struggled to get her diaper on (I almost put it on backwards 3 times) and stressfully worked as fast as I ccould to get her in her pjs. We sit down in the glider and..silence. She has her bottle and her blankie and everything is right in the world again. 

She sits on my lap, I wrap my left arm around her and snuggle her while I give her the bottle with the other hand. I give her forehead kisses and rest my cheek on her head while I soak in all the love and baby-ness. Then, the best thing happens. She finishes her bottle, puts her paci in her mouth, pulls her blankie up to her face and curls into my body. We snuggle the best baby snuggles you can imagine then I lay her in her crib, blankie in hand, and leave her to dream her sweet baby dreams.

That moment is one of the best of my day--and not just because the baby is down & now we can party but because its my daily reminder that its not always easy but its always worth it.

Check back here on Monday for the unveiling of our Jumping Jax Designs blog redecoration!

Have a beautiful weekend  

A Long Ass Birth Story

Since I didn't start my blog until after H's 1st birthday I figured I would post her birth story now. Its long & not too eventful (thankfully) but it was such an awesome day in our lives that I had to share.

After having contractions for weeks (and a trip to the dr to be monitored for 45mins only to be sent home feeling like a nut job) hubby and I went to see The Hangover. I guess the belly laughs (and some "natural labor inducing remedies") got baby ready to rock because by 8:30pm my daily contractions got stronger & were about 5mins apart. Being my overzealous self I called the dr & he said to go to the hospital to get checked so we got everything together and off we went.

 Heading to the hospital, praying that this is it!

Looking back and knowing what I know now I fully could have labored at home for MUCH longer but I was too excited. We arrived at 10:30pm and were assigned the most amazing nurse. She checked me, said I was around 2.5cms (I was slightly over 1cm on Wednesday when the dr did something called stripping membranes but lets not go there) and after being hooked up to the monitor she saw that my contractions were strong and about 2-4min apart. She had us walk the halls for about 2 hours (for me, this meant getting a snack at every vending machine we passed because I didn't know when I would be allowed to eat next.) Yes, I needed to get further along before being admitted but I now realize that she probably did this to get me checked in after midnight so I would get a longer hospital stay because she, as previously mentioned, was awesome!

 Here I am in all my sexy hospital gown glory walking the halls

My contractions were getting stronger but I was still walking and talking through them so we decided to make a few "The baby is coming!!" phone calls. Around 1:30am they admitted me (I was slightly over 3cms.) They offered an epidural at the get go but I declined. I knew I would get one later on but I really wanted to experience as much of my labor as possible-I also wanted to be able to walk around or shower if I wanted.

At 3:20am the Dr came in and told me they would like to break my water to get things going and offered an epi again saying the contractions would get a lot more intense but I still wanted to wait...because I'm a badass.
Once they broke my water I got to sit a glorified wee-wee pad the rest of my labor..awesome. The Dr was apparently all comfy cozy & sleeping away in a room somewhere while my contractions got really intense. They were getting really hard to breathe through and they were horribly painful in my back. Gail, the awesome nurse, said the shower helps a lot so I went in and it was amazing. After being in there for about an hour I realized my skin was comparable to a lobster so I got out. Apparently "an hour" in my mind was a few hours in real life because by the time I got out it was light out.

 Here's the excited Daddy just waiting for this labor nonsense to hurry the hell up!

As I got out of the shower I sat down & tried to keep breathing through my contractions but they had gotten so painful & close together that there was barely time in between them to catch my breath..bring on the epidural!! 

I was very happy with my decision to wait as long as possible and I was also very happy with my decision to get the epi because I could finally breathe and sleep! At 6:30am Mr.Epidural came in..and he was an asshat. He was having trouble getting the epi in & kept telling me I had "a lot of bones in my back"--what the fuck does that even mean?! He then asked me if I was sure that my back surgery was where I was saying it was and if I was sure I knew what I had done..SERIOUSLY?! Anthony got so annoyed he chimed in & Mr. Asshat suggested he "go get a cup of coffee" (read: get the fuck out) and Ant did, which is good since he probably would've gotten into a fight with the man who was about to stick a giant thing in my spine. 2 shots of Novocain & failed attempts later he called in another guy who actually passed 3rd grade and he got it in. BLISS! My blood pressure started dropping so they gave me oxygen and I stayed on and off it until I delivered.

At 7am Gail came in to tell me her shift was over. I told her she was amazing and thanked her so much while in my head I was yelling "NOOOO!!! You can't leave! Don't you want to stay with me through my whole labor and meet my baby?!?"--clearly she did not because we soon met our new nurse. She was the unsolicited advice giving, "push! you can do it" nurse..ugh! I was given Pitocin because I was only 4cms and at 9:15am they inserted an internal monitor, that touched the babys head, to monitor the baby and the contractions better. 

 I wasn’t making any progress. They started talking about the possibility of a c-section if I wasn’t moving along in a little bit. At 9:45am they started running fluids through a blood warmer and it went through a tube & into my uterus so the baby had more cushioning on the cord during contractions.

At 11am I apparently felt that it was time to throw up then the Dr came in for more c-section talk. I obviously didn't want to have a c/s but I would do whatever it took to get baby out safe so I very quickly came to terms and was fine with it.
I signed the surgery papers and the nurse started prepping us for how the surgery would go etc..

Shortly after, the dr came in to check me and I was 10cm. Apparently it was time to push…uh WHAT?!
I had it set in my mind that now I was getting a c/s...I mentally replayed all the c/s deliveries I'd seen on tv and prepared for that but now I had to switch from that to pushing..ya, I was a little thrown off my game.

I started pushing at 11:55am. I couldn’t feel the contractions in the beginning because the epi was still wearing off but after awhile I could tell when I was having them bc of the awful pressure. Instead of watching the monitor the annoying nurse was chatting away like we were at a fucking cocktail party so I constantly had to say, "is THAT a contraction?" I started getting really tired, out of breath and felt defeated. Around 1pm I started crying & talking about how she was going to live in there forever because I was convinced my muscles were giving out and I couldn't do it anymore. After 10+hours the super zen laboring woman left my body and a defeated, uncertain & exhausted woman entered.

Hayden Debra finally made her debut on June 8^th at 1:08pm! 

She weighed 7lbs 13oz was 18.5 inches long and her head was 34.5cm

She was perfect

She was put on her hysterically crying, joy filled mommy (which is why our first picture together [below] is such an unattractive one)but was quickly swooped away. She wasn't crying and people seemed worried. We were worried. As I looked up at my husband he just stared blank faced at the nurses while they vigorously rubbed our quiet girl. We asked if everything was ok and they finally decided, yes she was she was just super calm. I got her back and started sucking her hands so hard- I knew this one was going to be a good eater..I have no idea where she could've gotten that..

I handed her off to Anthony while I got all fixed up and he just in awe. She was amazing! No jaundice, no eating problems, no colick--actually, we didn't even hear her cry until the second day. People kept mentioning how calm she was & how she was the only baby in the nursery who wasn't screaming--we didn't know then but this would speak volumes about the baby/toddler she would become.

We fall deeper in love every day and are just as obsessed with her as the day we met her! 

 Jumping Jax Designs is redecorating CaliLand!! 

Stay tuned for the unveiling!