Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I Surrender.

Its not easy to realize, let alone admit, that your child may need more than just you.

H stopped going to school in May because I was done with work. When I got my current job as a nanny I was excited to be able to keep her with me for the time being figuring she would eventually go back to school if for no other reason than the interaction and structure (and the fact that my boss was having another baby in the fall.)
I had October in mind as a possible -yet flexible- go back date but October has turned into NOW.
I have started to see signs of my little monkey turning into an ape...ok that might be a slight over exaggeration. I take responsibility for a lot of her acting out. She is not doing anything abnormal for her age (though I refuse to refer to anything as "the terrible twos") but I know my child and I know that I am not giving her what she needs and wants. I KNOW what she is craving and it was easier than I thought it'd be -while still feeling like a kick in the gut- to admit what it was. She is craving the things school provided her with that I don't. Unforgiving yet gentle structure, peer interaction, well planned educational activities, a unique environment and experience- just to name a few.

You may be asking "Why cant you provide this for your own child asshole!?" Thats the same question I've been asking myself all summer. "Why can you manage a classroom of 30 kids without issue yet not do the same for your child?" Don't worry-I've beaten myself up enough over these questions and still come up short on answers. Maybe its different when its your kid? Honestly, I wish I had a definitive answer but I don't. What I do know is that I have surrendered. I have accepted what my child needs and while most of the time its me right now its not. In the end I think this time apart (Im planning on putting her in school 2 days a week) will make me a better mom...and if that makes me a bad mom to some people oh well. I know what is going to work best for my family and Im very confident that this will be it.

Side bar: When Sept 1 hits I think of summer as being over. (I wonder at what age you stop thinking of 'the year' in terms of sept-may? Wait..am I the only one who does that??) Im kind of devestated that I didnt get to do all the fun outings I had planned for H and I because I got this job unexpectedly and rarely had free time. In an attempt to ease the pain I took her to the Safari at Six Flags on Friday! She is def taking after my love of animals.

and dancing..
(sorry its sideways)

No comments:

Post a Comment