Once my baby, Always my baby.

The legs that once barely reached my naval now dangle well below my hips.

I can no longer cradle her in one arm.

Her eyes that once burned through mine while she sleepily drank a 2oz bottle now rarely meet mine while she eats pizza.

The feet that once kicked my ribs and bladder now tap dance on my kitchen floor.

I no longer need to rock her to sleep in a dark bathroom with the exhaust fan running.

The hair that once only skimmed her scalp actually had to be trimmed.

....and I'm ok with it.

I'm ok with it because the arms that once cradled her small newborn body are now what she runs into when she's happy or scared.

I'm ok with it because even though we may not lock eyes while she eats, her little hand rubbing my arm while we watch TV makes me realize how small she still is.

I'm ok with it because she can now fall asleep on her own because we taught her how.

I'm ok with it because she asks to hold my hand.

I'm ok with it because every now and then she tries to pull her legs up into that squishy newborn position while I hold her.

I'm ok with it because she needs me as much as I need her.

I Surrender.

Its not easy to realize, let alone admit, that your child may need more than just you.

H stopped going to school in May because I was done with work. When I got my current job as a nanny I was excited to be able to keep her with me for the time being figuring she would eventually go back to school if for no other reason than the interaction and structure (and the fact that my boss was having another baby in the fall.)

I had October in mind as a possible -yet flexible- go back date but October has turned into NOW.

I have started to see signs of my little monkey turning into an ape...ok that might be a slight over exaggeration. I take responsibility for a lot of her acting out. She is not doing anything abnormal for her age (though I refuse to refer to anything as "the terrible twos") but I know my child and I know that I am not giving her what she needs and wants. I KNOW what she is craving and it was easier than I thought it'd be -while still feeling like a kick in the gut- to admit what it was. She is craving the things school provided her with that I don't. Unforgiving yet gentle structure, peer interaction, well planned educational activities, a unique environment and experience- just to name a few.

You may be asking "Why cant you provide this for your own child asshole!?" Thats the same question I've been asking myself all summer. "Why can you manage a classroom of 30 kids without issue yet not do the same for your child?" Don't worry-I've beaten myself up enough over these questions and still come up short on answers. Maybe its different when its your kid? Honestly, I wish I had a definitive answer but I don't. What I do know is that I have surrendered. I have accepted what my child needs and while most of the time its me right now its not. In the end I think this time apart (Im planning on putting her in school 2 days a week) will make me a better mom...and if that makes me a bad mom to some people oh well. I know what is going to work best for my family and Im very confident that this will be it.

Side bar: When Sept 1 hits I think of summer as being over. (I wonder at what age you stop thinking of 'the year' in terms of sept-may? Wait..am I the only one who does that??) Im kind of devestated that I didnt get to do all the fun outings I had planned for H and I because I got this job unexpectedly and rarely had free time. In an attempt to ease the pain I took her to the Safari at Six Flags on Friday! She is def taking after my love of animals.

and dancing..

(sorry its sideways)

What We've Been Up To in Pictures

H on the bench we got engaged on. Our initials and e-date are carved into it but you cant see in the picture :-(

Operation Paci

Tomorrow will be day 4 of "Operation Paci is only for sleeping" (i really wish I could come up with a better title.) Hayden is extremely attached to her paci and her blankie. I dont care about blankie-its cute when she rubs "taggie" (the tag on the blanket) on her boo boos or nose and I still have my blankie and Im relatively well adjusted....hmmm..

Anyway, I never cared about paci until I started feeling that it was stopping her from talking because she was too busy sucking away..and the thought of the future dental bills gives me heart palpitations so tha's why OPIOFS came to be. Don't get me wrong, Hayden has plenty to say but without paci she has a whole lot more to say and there is nothing stopping her from saying it. Loudly.

I basically hide paci as soon as she wakes up and it reappears for nap time and bedtime. When she asks for it (only about every 4 seconds) I tell her about how shes a big girl and can have it for night night. Its going much better than anticipated and my willpower is shocking. I don't know why I am letting her keep it at night but I think because shes so attached to it I don't want to rip off the band-aid too fast. Probably because Im not ready to hear her crying for it or waking up during the night to soothe her.

I got some books at the library about getting rid of paci and going potty but they all kinda suck so I dont blame her for requesting her other books when I try to read them. She is not ready for potty yet but hopefully I can dedicate a weekend to put her in undies (we have the Gerber kind) and see how she feels about that. One thing at a time though and paci is def more important right now.

In the spirit of randomly changing topics I often see moms post little updates about what their kids are doing and liking so heres mine..

Hayden is wickedly funny and has a fantastic sense of humor.She loves tv just like her parents (unfortunately) and she always asks for Astro Boy, Barney (the show and cd), Yo Gabba Gabba (aka “Gabba Gabba”The show and cd) and Curious George (she prefers the movies.) I love to listen to her sing all the songs in the car and we even have a little dance we do and she says "GO MOMMY" and then I say "GO HAYDEN"--its disgustingly adorable and gives me glimpeses of how cute we will be when she is a little older. She loves milk, sweets (cake, cupcakes, chocolate, ice cream), drawing with a pen (so particular), her vitamins, bikes, shoes, walking in moms high heels and dads sneakers, watching videos of herself (and other kids), night night books, touch and feel books, her uncle jarry, being outside, bubbles, blankie and paci (ugh).

She uses varying intonations when she answers questions-she likes to say  “yyyyeeeessss” or  “nnooooooo” with a silly smile she also answers with 'of course!', 'oh boy, yes!' We love to ask her to make "the face” and she pouts her lips, furrows her brow and looks at you with her head down a little (all while trying not to smile.) She loves to stand in the open fridge while tapping chin and saying “hmmmmmm” (and its adorable--obv) and oddly enough she likes to look through dress up clothes but does not want to dress up--dont even suggest it.

She is 36" tall and wears 24 month clothes but can still fit in 12/18 months and is in size 5 diapers (4s were getting short on her and since she rarely sits still/lays down for a diaper change the 4s weren't fitting properly since I have not perfected my diapering a standing/moving toddler skills yet.)

and Ill leave you with some cuteness:

 

TGFI Part 3

Even though I no longer have an iPhone the title of Thank Goodness for iPhone remains because lets be serious, apple lover or not,they rock!

On to the phone pics and video 

 

I love this video because H is acting like such a big girl when she yells to her friends "Guys-where are you? I'M COMING!!"

 street performers my dad and I saw on a trip to the city

Rear facing, apple pastry and "eyes"...shes just too cool for you!

by H's request, blue toes.

having some adorable conversation with her friend Griffin

totally as good as it looks!

I dont imagine its on DYFUS' good parenting list to let your toddler play Call of Duty but what are ya gunna do..

so in love with her Uncle Jarry

great grandfather-Papi

 

Piano Lessons from Papa Tom

grandfather- Papa Alex

Best uncle ever reading The Tushy Book!

 

 

Some Pics of a Cute Kid

I can't tell if its the "terrible twos", some sort of evil teething or the fact that I completely fucked up her sleep sched this weekend but H has been quite...unpleasant the last few days. "No" has been heard way too often and melt downs have been happening way too frequently. Im praying for teething or the sleep thing because I am so not down with the double T's.

Even though she has been a little stink lately we still got to spend some great time together after work/school. It was a balmy (Ive never seriously used that word before) 85 degrees here in overpriced lovely New Jersey and we took advantage. We went walking around the grounds of our complex, pet some flowers and drew with chalk. 

I had my camera with me to try to get a close up shot of her smiling face for her birthday invite and couldn't stop taking pics so even though I totally had the wrong lens for these they are still cute.

Girl has quite the little strut

She noticed Daddy pulling up!

"My Beep-Beep!"

Curls to DIE FOR!

so focused

Best picture of the day..and I can't take credit for it. Daddy took this one!