Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dear Stress, F*^k You!

I am not used to feeling guilt. I don't generally regret things, I make a point to live my life in a way that I either don't do things that I will regret or I make a point to look into the things I do that may bother me and I find the reason said thing occurred so that I can understand the reasons it needed to happen and therefore I do not feel regretful.

This is a whole different story..a confusing story.
I love my job. Love Love Love it. I do not want to leave it but even if I did want to it really would be a big mistake since it is a huge opportunity for my future career and therefore the future of my family.
(without both of us working we will never be able to get a house because we live in NJ and no one can afford to live here!)

If we were able to survive by cutting corners, Anthony not having to work two jobs and we could afford a house: I would not work. I would stay home with my baby until she went to kindergarten..but that is far from the case. Anthony works harder than any person should have to and it runs him down. I am working so that when I graduate and start my career I will already have a foot in the door. With all of this said...i hate leaving Hayden with people that are essentially strangers. I feel like a terrible mother. I know this is far from the truth but I feel that way. 
Since we have to wake her up early she goes to bed now at 5:30pm (which is still not early enough because she barely naps at school. She is used to 5hrs of naps a day and now she barely gets in 1.) I feel like there is no way we are getting in enough time with her. After work I go to the gym or go grocery shopping or do the things I can get done easier without H...but from the second I step foot outside of work all I can think of is that I should be picking her up and spending time with her. These thoughts squeeze my heart from the second I leave work to the second she is in my arms.

While I am on the treadmill: "You should get off this thing and go see your girl! Stop being selfish."
While I am grocery shopping: "You should go get Hayden and do this after she goes to bed!"
While I am stopping at the bank: "You could easily do this with her in the car, go get her!"

Luckily, I am so non-stop busy at work that I rarely have a second to think about the fact that someone else is watching my baby--she could be missing me, she might be scared or upset and I am not there to comfort her like only I can.
Its like I am nagging myself until I feel like I am going to cry. Thankfully I am not the one who has to drop her off in the morning because if I was I can't imagine how long that would take (she cries at drop off.) I know this takes time..I have been with her 24/7 since birth and now, 15months later, I am with her for several hours at night..god it pains me to write that. Several hours? I didn't have a baby to see her a few hours a day..I hate this.
...but I still do love my job.
and the torture continues.

 H in her classroom the first day


  1. I am SOOOOOOO sorry mama. I work full time out of my home and get to see my daughter on my lunch break and in between if I get bored and even still it is too much for me to be honest so I cannot imagine being completely away and gone. I would be angry, depressed, stressed, sad and a whole mess of emotion. I wish I could buy you a house so you could stay home with her or perhaps you could move to NC where I am...houses are much cheaper here:). REgardless, the one thing that is 100% evident is what a GREAT mom you are because you love your little girl SO much that she is all you think about. That is the important thing. YOu are doing your best in this season and I hope someday it gets easier for you..soon!!

  2. I feel ya! It's so hard to leave your baby, I think about mine nonstop at work. I would love to be able to stay home with him, but it's just not in the cards...
    It gets easier though! Good luck:)