Struggles

An overwhelming sense of anxiety floods through me every time I have to do something pertaining to my schooling. I "dropped out" of college in 2006 because I needed back surgery- I couldn't sit anywhere pain-free let alone sit through a lecture and actually retain information. I was wasting my parents money and I was miserable so I said I would go back later on once my shit was back together. It took me a little while..you know how it goes-things get in the way (pregnancy, marriage, life) but I am back. I know my parents were not happy with my decision to leave school and were worried I would never return but I always knew I would.

I have always hated school. I wish I were like my husband, who has a thirst for knowledge, but I am not. I was diagnosed with a learning disability pretty early in life and it has been a struggle to say the least. Luckily, a lot of schools and teachers provide assistance for students with such difficulties but it never seemed to be enough. I learn hands on and I always have. I can learn how to do most anything if you teach me in a way that I can understand and let me do it..but unfortunately this method doesn't apply well to english, math...studying. I can get an A in a class but after the class is over its as if my head sprung a leak and all the things I knew slowly disappeared. It is beyond frustrating. My family has always explained things to me in a way that they knew I needed them to be explained so that I could fully understand them...unfortunately not everyone in the world has time to dumb shit down for me. 

And that statement brings me to my next topic, I've forever felt dumb. My husband has had to sit with me during many crying spells where, inbetween sobs and catching my breath, I explain how stupid I am and how I cannot learn what I am supposed to learn and I am just not supposed to be in school. This has gone on my whooooole life. My dad and my husband also had to deal with these crying spells while I was pregnant and worrying about passing on my learning disability to my child. My reasoning? my mom had one, I have one..baby could have one! It will break my heart if she struggles in the education system as I have but hopefully she gets her fathers brains and interest in learning.


I did very well last semester. I only took 2 classes because I know if I take more my focus will be spread thin and, sure, I might pass the class but not as well as I could. I am currently looking on ratemyprofessor.com to figure out which teachers are rated high in the area of helpfulness because it seems that any teacher who gets a low rating in helpfulness/niceness isn't a fan of my many questions asked that help me understand. I have not registered myself as a learning disabled student at the county college I am attending and do not plan to unless I get into a real bind. I know that I am not stupid..I am not as book smart as I am "street smart" but sometimes I think thats better. My common sense is going to get me a lot further in life than knowing that hippos weight up to 3.5tons and live about 50 years. I may feel incredibly stupid sometimes and completely defeated in a society that looks down upon you if you do not have a college degree but I am working on it because I never want Hayden to see me feel any of these things nor do I want her to feel these things...learning disabled or not.

and here is your fill of cuteness for the day