Guest Blogger Du Jour!

I love me some Katie from Cleared For Take off...and I also love me some honest mommy posts so here is an awesomely candid one from her entitled:

I never knew I had to Die to become a Mom.

So I have been thinking about writing this for a while now, but wasnt sure how to do it without coming across as a Negative Nelly. But since this morning, two of my favorite bloggers (Allison and Blair) have written about a similar topic, I thought now would be a great time. Plus this girl wrote a post that completely opposes what I'm about to say, and it got me fired up.

So here goes...

Sunday night I had a nice long crying session to Josh about something that no one warned me would happen when I became a mom. How I feel like I have lost

"my old self".

See, I have lost the person that I used to see when I looked in the mirror. I used to see a confident, flirty, pretty girl that could turn heads when she walked into a room. I used to see a career woman in scrubs about to walk into the E.R. to perform a procedure on a patient that had just lost his hand. I used to see a newlywed wife who looked forward to having dates with her husband and getting "frisky" later that night. (Sorry mom, dad, tanya, and david but we had a baby so you know we had sex.....right?) That was my IDENTITY.

Now as I sit here looking over my computer screen into a playroom full of toys, a jar of applesauce sitting on my desk, and two dirty diapers folded up in the trash can, I dont recognize myself. (And thank the good Lord that I am receiving treatment for my depression, because 2 months ago I wouldnt have even typed this. A "good day" was one that I didnt completely break down emotionally and tell Josh that I just didnt know if I could do this anymore. There were several times that I just wanted to check myself into the psych ward and sleep it all away.) Now on a good day, Ellie takes long naps and I sneak one in too. We play and cuddle and highlight our day with a trip to Sonic. Because of my medication, and ONLY that, I can handle my life.

I mean, when I was a little girl I never imagined my life as an adult to be like this. I always thought I would grow up to be a power-suit wearing ad executive that would wow my coworkers with my witty charm and unbelievable smarts (he he). Never did I imagine my life as a stay at home mom, wiping up spills and rushing downstairs to nap while Ellie is asleep because I was up from 1-3am.

I went through a very selective, grueling college program to get my degree. Two years of driving an hour to school 3 times per week, and spending the days in between at the hospitals doing clinicals. When I graduated I was 7 months pregnant and I thought, "Okay, I can do this. I will just have the baby and then when she is 6 months old I will put her in daycare and then go to work."

NO.

That time never came. With Josh's job as an airline pilot, childcare wasnt in the cards for us. I never went back. All that freakin' work for nothing. My scrubs were still hanging in my closet until about a month ago, when I finally threw them away. Now, after a year of my xray skills laying dormant, I have forgotten so much and would need to be re-trained. I cant ever go back.

My body. My body is waaaaay far gone. I knew that was coming, but geez it hurts to see it go.

Date nights come around but it just isnt the same. I dont want to get dressed up anymore and even if I did I would have the time or energy. When we do go out alone I dont know what to talk about. It feels as if we are more "parents" and less "lovers" now. And getting "frisky" after having a doctor all up in my vagina for nine months isnt the same either. Can we say Episiotomy?

All this to say, I am mourning the loss of my old self. I am sloooowly accepting that I will never go back to being the person I used to be. I am slowly getting used to watching a girl in scrubs walk by me in Target, and not feeling that *twinge* of what could have been. Someday I suppose, this will be my new normal. And its really not all that bad, its just different. It takes some getting used to. My old self has died and I think I deserve some time to cry about it.

Thank you Katie for your honesty and putting into words what so many of us feel.

If you are into seeing awesomely awesome decorating, craftiness, insanely cute pictures of Katies little peanut and more go check out Cleared For Take off RIGHT NOW! Its soo worth it.

Normal Shmormal

I often find myself wondering if my parenting is that of a regular mom. A mom untouched by the death of her own mother..but I quickly realize, when you have lost a parent nothing you ever do will be untouched by that loss. For as long as I can remember I have always had abandonment fears- the fear that the people I love would die or leave. I remember sitting next to my dad while he was on our elliptical getting ready for his upcoming [child-less] vacation and telling him how I didn't want him to go because I was scared he would die in a plane crash or get hurt on vacation and I wouldn't have any parents left. Worrying that you will become an orphan is not something most children think about but it was ever present in my mind. It still is.

Now, more than worrying about losing my own parent I worry about being the parent who is lost. I am sure it is relatively normal to worry about your child being left on this earth without you but I sometimes wonder if I take it to an extreme because of my experience. I started questioning this more when my friend saw all the mementos, letters, baby books, pictures etc that I have kept, made, written or taken for Hayden and was taken aback. I seem to have a slight obsession with capturing moments for her. I will keep anything that I think I would have wanted my parents to save for me. If I loved a certain picture I will make sure to take that picture when Hayden does that thing...or if I really cherish a note that my mom wrote to me when I was in her belly, I do the same for Hayden so that if I were to be gone one day she would have all these things from her mommy (this can't be normal..can it?) 

Memories of my mom are few and far between for me and I want to make sure that, if I were ever to leave Monkey, she would never wish she had something from me or wish she knew who I was or how I felt about her. She will never question how loved she was or what her life was like as a belly-dweller or as a baby. I may be the annoying mom who always has her camera out and I may even miss out on doing something fun with Hayden because I want to get it on film for her (I'm working on finding a good balance..its very hard for me) but I know hope that when she is older, she and I will look through all these things I have saved for her ...I will share a silly little anecdote about that day or laugh with her about how she still makes a face that she made when she was little. I, of course, have had these moments with my dads or my grandma but I know it would've been different with a mom. I may build up the mother-daughter relationship to be something it isn't or I may just imagine it to be exactly what I wish I had the chance to experience but it gives me something to live up to..it sets the bar.

 

I leave you with a passage from my nutty notebook that I wrote to Hayden while she was in my belly (please forgive the super scatter-brained rambling..I was huge, hot and mommy brain was in full swing.)

"Sunday May 24, 2009- We are ready & waiting for you! I've got all we need & the last thing is you! I just took a shower and talked to you the whole time. I feel like you listen. I told you how loved you are. You really are the most loved kid ever--by the whole family. You are the first baby after the generation of me and daddy. Maybe You'll be reading this when you're a teen-that's amazing to think of. In the shower I was telling you how there will be many times we do things that you think are unnecessary, stupid or embarrassing but, I hope, you'll realize we do things to make sure you're in a safe, healthy and appropriate environment. Nothing we ever will do will be for "no reason." Everything we do will be thought out and in your best interest. Even if you won't realize it until 15years later (or never) we want to keep you happy and safe. My dad did it & I knew it was "for me" & not "against me." Like when I would go to a friends house he would call to make sure the parents were home & knew I was coming. I know it was to keep me honest & in safe situations. I appreciate it now and even though it was annoying then I knew it was for the best. I hope we do that for you and you know it. We cherish you & everything we do is for you from now on!"

..and The Winner Is

I used Random.org's True Random Number Generator and it chose.......

COMMENT #37!

A. Smith said...

I tweeted your giveaway #2 http://twitter.com/asmithonline/status/19391769522 asmithonline at yahoo dot ca

July 23, 2010 11:31 PM

 Congrats!!! 

While she's collecting her winnings head over to Modern Dose and just try to avoid drooling on your keyboard!

and a big "Thank you SO much" to Estela 

for giving away such an amazing item!!

...and because I like to pretend you care, here is my new found love from Modern Dose:

If you are hosting a giveaway and want to gain more entries, check out Giveaway Scout. Giveaway Scout will publish your giveaway on multiple channels like Twitter , Facebook and others. It is free of charge too! If interested just go here and check it out!

Domesticating Cali part II

My domestication seems to be going quite well. Today I not only made Peanut Butter and Banana Muffins (with carrot) and Pancakes (with Sweet Potato) but I also made maple glazed carrots and cleaned my kitchen! I'm on a roll!!

 My brain must've been in non-idiot domestic mode because I realized that since I had the carrots out for the muffins I might as well steam the rest to make the glazed carrots to see if H likes them. My mom (and dad) used to make them for me when I was little and I always think of them. Not as good as theirs but what are ya gunna do.

The pancakes are delicious! H loved them and so did I. The middle is a little mushier because of the potato but it wasn't in a bad way...and they are so easy to make. I poked holes with a fork in the potatoes and put them in a microwave to cook (less dishes to clean.) Then after I pureed them I just added the rest of the ingredients to the food processor to mix them together. I like to freeze them in zip locks with a piece of wax paper in between each cake..like so:

 

Little Miss Taste Tester ::enter cookie monster eating noise here::

 THOSE are my Peanut Butter and Banana Muffins...yea, they look awesome and they taste awesome. A glass of milk and its perfection. Now I have to try the Peanut Butter and Jelly Muffins in the book bc these were so good. I couldn't find the recipe online and since I love you all just so damn much (and felt bad showing you how good they look without telling you how to make them) I decided to give you the gist..

Peanut Butter and Banana Muffins

makes 12 muffins

1 cup packed brown sugar (light or dark-i used dark)

1/2 cup natural peanut butter (spray the measuring cup with cooking spray to allow the pb to slide out)

1/2 cup carrot or cauliflower puree (i used carrot and you cant taste it a bit)

1/2 cup banana puree 

1 large egg white

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking powder

1tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

350 degree oven

Mix 1/2cup brown sugar (you only do half now bc you add the other half right at the end to achieve a nice crunchy top), pb, purees & egg.

In a separate bowl or zip lock bag mix flour, powder, soda and salt. add to wet mixture and stir until just combined (batter will be lumpy-do not over mix.) Add remaining 1/2cup b.sugar and mix 1-2times (not to combine.)

Divide batter into pan (i use an ice cream scoop so they are all the same size and well-portioned) and bake until a toothpick comes out clean (15-20mins.) I froze half and kept half in a Tupperware container. 

a tip from a hasbeen pastry chefs asst: most recipes say to test with a toothpick and take product out when it comes out clean...most people take this too far and will keep baking if crumby bits are on the pick..it is actually best to take them out at this point bc they will be nice and moist. Its possible that this is common knowledge but lets pretend its not and I just taught you something valuable.

So all in all Deceptively Delicious is fully delivering. I highly recommend checking it out and if you don't want to buy it just do what I have been known to do..go to the store and copy down the recipe.

GO FORTH AND EAT BAKE! 

Our Giveaway ends tonight so make sure to get your entry in NOW! 

Struggles

An overwhelming sense of anxiety floods through me every time I have to do something pertaining to my schooling. I "dropped out" of college in 2006 because I needed back surgery- I couldn't sit anywhere pain-free let alone sit through a lecture and actually retain information. I was wasting my parents money and I was miserable so I said I would go back later on once my shit was back together. It took me a little while..you know how it goes-things get in the way (pregnancy, marriage, life) but I am back. I know my parents were not happy with my decision to leave school and were worried I would never return but I always knew I would.

I have always hated school. I wish I were like my husband, who has a thirst for knowledge, but I am not. I was diagnosed with a learning disability pretty early in life and it has been a struggle to say the least. Luckily, a lot of schools and teachers provide assistance for students with such difficulties but it never seemed to be enough. I learn hands on and I always have. I can learn how to do most anything if you teach me in a way that I can understand and let me do it..but unfortunately this method doesn't apply well to english, math...studying. I can get an A in a class but after the class is over its as if my head sprung a leak and all the things I knew slowly disappeared. It is beyond frustrating. My family has always explained things to me in a way that they knew I needed them to be explained so that I could fully understand them...unfortunately not everyone in the world has time to dumb shit down for me. 

And that statement brings me to my next topic, I've forever felt dumb. My husband has had to sit with me during many crying spells where, inbetween sobs and catching my breath, I explain how stupid I am and how I cannot learn what I am supposed to learn and I am just not supposed to be in school. This has gone on my whooooole life. My dad and my husband also had to deal with these crying spells while I was pregnant and worrying about passing on my learning disability to my child. My reasoning? my mom had one, I have one..baby could have one! It will break my heart if she struggles in the education system as I have but hopefully she gets her fathers brains and interest in learning.


I did very well last semester. I only took 2 classes because I know if I take more my focus will be spread thin and, sure, I might pass the class but not as well as I could. I am currently looking on ratemyprofessor.com to figure out which teachers are rated high in the area of helpfulness because it seems that any teacher who gets a low rating in helpfulness/niceness isn't a fan of my many questions asked that help me understand. I have not registered myself as a learning disabled student at the county college I am attending and do not plan to unless I get into a real bind. I know that I am not stupid..I am not as book smart as I am "street smart" but sometimes I think thats better. My common sense is going to get me a lot further in life than knowing that hippos weight up to 3.5tons and live about 50 years. I may feel incredibly stupid sometimes and completely defeated in a society that looks down upon you if you do not have a college degree but I am working on it because I never want Hayden to see me feel any of these things nor do I want her to feel these things...learning disabled or not.

and here is your fill of cuteness for the day

We are parents.

Last night my heart and I met on the floor in one big love puddle. Monkey had been asleep for a few hours when she woke up with that painful baby cry. Anthony went in and after a minute I realized it wasn't her painful cry it was her scared cry. She had had a bad dream..or something. I waited (secretly doing that mommy thing we sometimes do when someone else is trying to calm our crying baby...I, unconsciously, rocked as if I had her in my arms) while Ant tried to snuggle her and put her back to sleep but she wasn't having it. I got her a bottle (just like mommy, food makes it all better) and went in. I asked if he wanted me "to try" and he handed her over. He left the room as I scooted into the glider. She was calm. A weird mix of emotions came over me at that moment..my thoughts went something like this:

"Aw she calmed down as soon as she was in my arms..she wanted her mommy....I hope that doesn't upset Anthony..I can't believe she just wanted me..she really loves me and knows I am her mommy-her comforter and protector. I hope Anthony isn't upset."

There have been times when Ant could calm her and make her happy when I couldn't and it never bothered me because it makes me happy to see the bond they have..its amazing really..but if he were able to calm her more often than I could I think it would make me sad. I know he knows its because I am with her all day and, well, sometimes a baby just needs her mommy (trust me..he has used this phrase to his advantage plenty!) Its not like I didn't know this but when the moment happens, when you experience your baby just needing you to make things all better..its like you are realizing it for the first time. You are their world. You are a mom. You possess a power that no one else has.

So I scooted into the glider with Hayden snuggled into my body, clutching her blankie & sleepily drinking her bottle. My head was gently resting on hers as a breathed in her baby smell and thought about how amazing it is-the bond between a child and her parents. Then, without warning, she melted my heart. She effortlessly placed her tiny, warm hand on my arm and slowly rubbed up and down. As if to say "My mommy's here...everything's ok." It was the sweetest baby 'thank you' I have ever received. 

I am so thankful for the unbreakable bond that Anthony and I have with our baby. She is our greatest blessing and moments like this make all the whinings from the day dissapear and just allow us to be who we forever are--mama and dada.

 

1 year, 2500 bottles and 3000 diapers later....

Before I ate dessert I wrote this post....

I was watching Oprah and the guest was the author of a book called Women Food and God.

A quote from the synopsis:

If you suffer about your relationship with food -- you eat too much or too little, think about what you will eat constantly or try not to think about it at all -- you can be free. Just look down at your plate. The answers are there. Don't run. Look. Because when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we contact the part of ourselves that is fresh and alive. We touch the life we truly want and evoke divinity itself.

 She is basically saying that us overeaters/over indulgers are doing so for a deeper reason and she believes that in order to figure out what that reason is, and therefore stop the vicious cycle, is to really listen to your body, hunger and emotions and tend to them instead of eating them away.

I am an eater. My worst habit is eating when I am bored. Nothing to do? Eat. Nothing on tv? Eat. Noone to hang with? Eat. 

A woman in the audience stood up and asked the exact question I was asking myself: "What if there is no deeper reasoning for why I eat the way I do...what if I just really like food?" ...and I do. I really REALLY like food. To a fault actually because I cannot always control it. I do believe I have an addiction (to some degree) to food and have discussed it with family members and friends. Its not like I am not going to rehab because I am a fat ass-lets me serious. I have a sweet tooth, perhaps a sweet brain is more accurate, and have since I was little. Something will pop in my head ("oo..reeses" "oo.. mint chocolate chip on a cone with chocolate sprinkles.") and I usually cannot stop thinking about that thing until I eat it. 50% of the time the things I am craving are not in my house and I physically have to go out and get them to stop obsessing over them. Its like pregnancy cravings...but the pregnancy started when I was a kid and Im still growing the food baby. Its kinda ridiculous.

The response the author gave to this woman was something along the lines of, there has to be a deeper meaning and this is how you can figure it out..blah blah blah. Sorry, author lady but I am just a food obsessed eater. I was raised to always confront and talk openly about my feelings. I don't hide things. I have personally and openly confronted all things in my life. Anything that was hurtful, traumatic, stressful etc.. I have worked on these things and continue to work on them..thats what it means to be always evolving. I am always growing as a person..and because of this I know that I am not eating for a deeper reason. I would love to know what author lady would have to say about me

To be honest though, I wish I had a deeper, hidden secret that was the reason for my eating because then I could stop stuffing my face. Instead I am just a dimpled ass dessert gorger.

 

Oh, Crumbs cupcakes...how I love thee so.

Chalkals Giveaway

My initial question is: how freaking awesome is this giveaway!?!

My second question is: can I win my own giveaway?

My gorgeous friend, Estela, is the owner of Modern Dose. 

She and her items have been featured in the likes of Glamour magazine, Metropolitan Home, Lucky, O: The Oprah magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, Parenting and so many more!

I cannot even begin to explain the amazing and beautiful things she sells on her website so just go there and drool for yourself! 

Estela is a mom of 2 (her daughter is possibly the funniest child on the planet) and a business owner who works from home (::I bow down::). 

She created Chalkals: awesome peel & stick wall decor that also function as entertainment for your kids!

You can tell they were created by a mom because they are easy to write on and wipe off, they are repositionable, don't peel off paint AND are made in the us

There are 8 unique & awesome styles to choose from and 

One lucky CaliLand reader will win the Chalkal of their choice!!

 HOW TO ENTER:

Mandatory Entries

•  You must be a follower of CaliLand and leave a comment saying you're following!
• Go to the Modern Dose website and tell me which item(s) you drool over & what you would do with it in your home.

Extra Entries

To get the most entries possible you must leave an 

individual comment below telling me every time you accomplish a task.

•  "Like" Ramblings on FB and leave a comment +1 comment

• Vote for Ramblings from CaliLand at Picket Fence Blogs +1 comment for each daily vote

• Link to this giveaway on your blog and leave the link in your comment +3 comments

• Make this your status update or tweet it: "ModernDose.com is hosting an awesome giveaway in CaliLand! Go to WelcomeToCaliLand.blogspot.com to enter!"+2 comments

The winner will be chosen via Random.org on Tuesday July 27th after 5pm

& announced on Wednesday July 28th 7:00 am EST

 GOOD LUCK!

Domesticating Cali part I

My non-domestic side had a talk with my wanna-be-domestic side and together they decided I needed to up my game in Hayden's food department. 

I don't know if my enthusiasm for finding a new, easy, go-to item that she likes is normal but I get really excited. I also get really excited when that food is frozen or can be frozen. The last time I got excited like that was when I discovered Wegmans frozen meatballs and H loved them. 

My best friend, Loryn, lent me her Deceptively Delicious cookbook because I am too cheap to buy it myself and wanted to check out the sneaky recipes. I believe in always offering a veggie, even if you kid never eats it, because eventually they will..hopefully. I also believe in "sneaking" in veggies wherever you can as long as it doesn't compromise the taste. For example, I like to keep frozen chopped spinach in the freezer and when I make stuffed shells or lasagna I microwave it, ring it out (to get all the extra moisture out) and mix it into the ricotta. No difference in taste and get the nutrients. Win Win! 

Anthony cannot understand why I do stuff like that...like why I would make zucchini bread at all let alone sub the oil for applesauce & I tried to explain that if I am going to make a sweet bread (banana bread etc) anyway why not make sure it has a little extra nutrients if possible. Aww, I am such a mom.

After going through the cookbook I picked a few recipes to try. 

The first is Scrambled Eggs (with Cauliflower.) I never realized but cauliflower is pretty tasteless..which sucks if you are cauliflower but rocks if you are a mom trying to sneak in extra nutrients wherever possible. 

Created by Jessica Seinfeld

Hidden cauliflower puree provides kids with half the daily value for vitamin C. With more than 19 grams of protein per serving, these scrambled eggs pack a powerful protein punch!
Servings: Serves 2
Ingredients:

Scrambled Eggs (with Cauliflower)

• 2 large eggs
• 4 large egg whites
• 1/4 cup reduced-fat sour cream
• 1/2 cup cauliflower puree
• 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan
• Pinch of salt
• Nonstick cooking spray
• 1 teaspoon olive oil

Directions:

In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, egg whites, sour cream, cauliflower puree, Parmesan and salt.

Coat a large nonstick skillet with cooking spray, then set the pan over medium-high heat. When the pan is hot, add the oil. Add the egg mixture, reduce the heat to low, and cook, stirring frequently with a silicone spatula, until the eggs are scrambled—firm but nice and moist—2 to 3 minutes.
From the book Deceptively Delicious SM

I didn't want to separate eggs because whenever I do I save whatever part is left over and then forget to use it so I used 5 whole eggs. H seemed to like these...even if it is a little weird that they look like cauliflower in the end..

 I had some broccoli so I super super finely chopped the tops and added some in.

Since you most likely won't cook and puree Cauliflower every time you make your kid eggs you can puree as much as you want in advance, freeze it and use it whenever you make eggs etc..

My next adventure was with Macaroni & Cheese (with Cauliflower). H just started liking m&c so this one was perfect. The recipe has you make your own m&c but I saw eff that and bought the Organic boxed version for her (and the non-organic, awesome Velveeta version for me.)

Servings: Serves 4
Ingredients:

Macaroni and Cheese 1 (with Butternut Squash or Cauliflower)

• 1 1/2 cups elbow macaroni
• Nonstick cooking spray
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup nonfat skim milk
• 1/2 cup butternut or cauliflower puree
• 1 1/2 cups shredded reduced-fat Cheddar cheese (about 8 ounces)
• 4 ounces (almost 1/4 cup) reduced-fat or nonfat cream cheese
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon paprika
• 1/8 teaspoon pepper

Directions:

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil, add the macaroni and cook according to package directions until al dente. Drain in a colander.

While the macaroni is cooking, coat a large saucepan with cooking spray and heat over medium heat. Add the oil, then the flour, and cook, stirring constantly, until the mixture resembles a thick paste but has not browned, 1 to 2 minutes.

Add the milk and cook, stirring every now and then, until the mixture begins to thicken, 3 to 4 minutes. Add the vegetable puree, Cheddar, cream cheese and seasonings and stir until the cheese is melted and the sauce is smooth. Stir in the macaroni and serve warm. 

TIP: To save time (and energy) I put the Cauliflower and broccoli in the pot with the pasta while it cooked. 

Again, I chopped up the broccoli sooo finely that it was practically dust and mixed that in too. Hayden might officially be in love..I, on the other hand, wasn't a huge fan bc it wasn't very flavorful but it wasn't for me so whatev..I also put some in little containers and froze it so we'll see how it defrosts.

 

here is Hayden savoring every bite

 side note: I freaking hate clothes like this. 

The ones that say things like "Hug Me" "Love me"..ughh

 The M&C got the clap of approval!

another side note: do you see this childs hair?! Every meal, without fail, she runs her food covered hands through her hair like she is in an Herbal Essence commercial. Drives me crazy!

And finally, I haven't made them yet but my next adventure is Pancakes with Sweet Potato.

I'll let you know how that goes!

Come back tomorrow to enter in the awesome Chalkals giveaway! 

Photo Friday

Here is some awesomeness to hold you over until Monday...

 and the day concluded with a serious staring contest.

Have a beautiful weekend!