Guest Blogger Du Jour!

I love me some Katie from Cleared For Take off...and I also love me some honest mommy posts so here is an awesomely candid one from her entitled:

I never knew I had to Die to become a Mom.

So I have been thinking about writing this for a while now, but wasnt sure how to do it without coming across as a Negative Nelly. But since this morning, two of my favorite bloggers (Allison and Blair) have written about a similar topic, I thought now would be a great time. Plus this girl wrote a post that completely opposes what I'm about to say, and it got me fired up.

So here goes...

Sunday night I had a nice long crying session to Josh about something that no one warned me would happen when I became a mom. How I feel like I have lost

"my old self".

See, I have lost the person that I used to see when I looked in the mirror. I used to see a confident, flirty, pretty girl that could turn heads when she walked into a room. I used to see a career woman in scrubs about to walk into the E.R. to perform a procedure on a patient that had just lost his hand. I used to see a newlywed wife who looked forward to having dates with her husband and getting "frisky" later that night. (Sorry mom, dad, tanya, and david but we had a baby so you know we had sex.....right?) That was my IDENTITY.

Now as I sit here looking over my computer screen into a playroom full of toys, a jar of applesauce sitting on my desk, and two dirty diapers folded up in the trash can, I dont recognize myself. (And thank the good Lord that I am receiving treatment for my depression, because 2 months ago I wouldnt have even typed this. A "good day" was one that I didnt completely break down emotionally and tell Josh that I just didnt know if I could do this anymore. There were several times that I just wanted to check myself into the psych ward and sleep it all away.) Now on a good day, Ellie takes long naps and I sneak one in too. We play and cuddle and highlight our day with a trip to Sonic. Because of my medication, and ONLY that, I can handle my life.

I mean, when I was a little girl I never imagined my life as an adult to be like this. I always thought I would grow up to be a power-suit wearing ad executive that would wow my coworkers with my witty charm and unbelievable smarts (he he). Never did I imagine my life as a stay at home mom, wiping up spills and rushing downstairs to nap while Ellie is asleep because I was up from 1-3am.

I went through a very selective, grueling college program to get my degree. Two years of driving an hour to school 3 times per week, and spending the days in between at the hospitals doing clinicals. When I graduated I was 7 months pregnant and I thought, "Okay, I can do this. I will just have the baby and then when she is 6 months old I will put her in daycare and then go to work."

NO.

That time never came. With Josh's job as an airline pilot, childcare wasnt in the cards for us. I never went back. All that freakin' work for nothing. My scrubs were still hanging in my closet until about a month ago, when I finally threw them away. Now, after a year of my xray skills laying dormant, I have forgotten so much and would need to be re-trained. I cant ever go back.

My body. My body is waaaaay far gone. I knew that was coming, but geez it hurts to see it go.

Date nights come around but it just isnt the same. I dont want to get dressed up anymore and even if I did I would have the time or energy. When we do go out alone I dont know what to talk about. It feels as if we are more "parents" and less "lovers" now. And getting "frisky" after having a doctor all up in my vagina for nine months isnt the same either. Can we say Episiotomy?

All this to say, I am mourning the loss of my old self. I am sloooowly accepting that I will never go back to being the person I used to be. I am slowly getting used to watching a girl in scrubs walk by me in Target, and not feeling that *twinge* of what could have been. Someday I suppose, this will be my new normal. And its really not all that bad, its just different. It takes some getting used to. My old self has died and I think I deserve some time to cry about it.

Thank you Katie for your honesty and putting into words what so many of us feel.

If you are into seeing awesomely awesome decorating, craftiness, insanely cute pictures of Katies little peanut and more go check out Cleared For Take off RIGHT NOW! Its soo worth it.